If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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