That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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