Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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