Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I love having hate sex.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
