I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
