Swine flu. Run for my life!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
