I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
