alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
