really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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