I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
