I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
