rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
