Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
