Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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