"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize