mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.