I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.