So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
