for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
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He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
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You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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