Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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