I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
