then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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