I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
