More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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