I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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