Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
