My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
