i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
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do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
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I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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