That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
