Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
