Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
