You smell like a Billy Joel song
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
