You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
