I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
