theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
