did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
