and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
