you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
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Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
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Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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