what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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