I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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