You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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