There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
