Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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