I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize