you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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