i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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