I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You pole danced in your parka.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
