Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
