She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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