I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
