I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
