I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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