Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
