I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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