between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
