She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
