Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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