I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
