john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
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We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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