Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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