I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
