She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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