how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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