I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
