finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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